weariness

weariness has shrouded this whole week. I am weary of so much. firstly, the cold!! It was so beautiful on sunday, and now this impending storm- I love the snow, but I dread having to drive in it, and I really don't like shivering myself to sleep! sigh.
and endless rote memorization of all the origins, insertions, actions, innervations of all the muscles, yes even the tiniest ones, in the back/arm/forearm/hand. I mean, in retrospect, it's kind of cool and I've always wanted to keep this info in a rolodex card in my brain, but it is mentally taxing.
my diet has been unvarying. i've eaten granola (my favorite food EVER) and milk for every meal this week, which is kind of cool, in retrospect. as a kid you could never eat what you wanted when you wanted it, right?? some might remember last summer when I ate nothing but cereal (honey bunches of oats primarily) and milk for every single meal for a whole month. It was glorious. I was also probably iron deficient/anemic afterwards, which taught me the value of multivitamins.

but I have much to be thankful for- safe trips and no accidents in this weather; being healthy and happy; not getting lost when meeting my discipler; having a discipler; reading the Bible and having that wisdom to guide my life; CAFFEINE; I mean, the list really continues ad infinitum.

I think that if I had one wish right now, I would spend it on a wish for summertime and a car wash.

life

i would have liked to have time to rant & rave about how:

-crazy this election will be
-I paid $4.07 for one gallon of milk yesterday (apparently it's cheaper at CVS or walgreens though)
-God is doing crazy awesome things...
-I went a day and a half without caffeine, whoa (then came a double shot mocha and a red bull, but desperate times call for desperate measures) - I mean, how do you say no to a mocha...double shot?
-wikipedia this: duchenne. As in the guy who first noticed that flavor of muscular dystrophy. apparently he enjoyed using electricity as a diagnostic tool, and in the process discovered that smiles resulting from true happiness use the muscles of the eye (orbicularis oculi) in addition to the zygomaticus (the "pan american" smile, the "polite" smile). tres cool, no?

man I gotta get to work. hippity hop!

on humps and caffeine

as far as endurance goes, there's always a hump.
when you're doing 5 miles, the hump is usually between the 2nd and 3rd mile.
wednesday, solid hump. a week could be an endurance test. I mean, think about finals week.
but when you're rolling slowly down the hump, it just goes more smoothly than you thought.

I wish I were rolling slowly down the decline...instead of finding traction on the incline.
-

some friends of mine have been on my case about my caffeine consumption- for more than a few months now. I wasn't convinced I was addicted. I mean, I could stop when I wanted (ha). so, today, aka post-test, I was challenged to be caffeine-free for a week.

Easy peasy, right?

How long did I last?

About 17 hours. In mid-morning I received the worst headache I've had in personal headache history. and you know what, I like my caffeine so I'm sticking with it.

on death and dying

oh, how about this. I'm not about to turn this into a total trashy celeb news blog (you've got perez for that-I couldn't do a better job), but how tragic/shocking is it that heath ledger died.

"Ledger's family called his death "very tragic, untimely and accidental." " - CNN.com. who do they think they're kidding? Death is never accidental. No one on accident says, "Hmm, I'll take a Vicodin" and ends up taking the whole bottle. this isn't cough syrup we're talking about. It wasn't an accident like, I just spilled my entire glass of water, let's fix this mess. No- death is different. It can't be fixed.

further, I don't believe that his death was an accident like "oops" in the human sense. Let's forget the accident part because we'll forgive their celebrity blood status. to us, humans, death can seem accidental. Like car accident-accidental. but in the grand scheme of this universe, no...God knew it before it happened, and nothing of God is accidental. I've just opened the can of evil worms, as in, did God create evil, but that's probably for another day.

tuesday blues

My bed is the most useless waste of space in this living area. I'm planning to get rid of the bed frame and the old mattress and just get a futon or something more versatile, yet space saving. I've been sleeping on the floor/euro lounger this past week, which is totally cool with me--due to the bedframe's wooden slats (which support the mattress) not being long enough to easily span the width of the frame, the bed declines on this ungodly, menacing slant, so basically I have reason to junk it. plus, I got it for free, so there's no guilt involved.

anyhoo, so the first hsf test is over. yeah. in a normal situation, ie not hsf, you have the exam, and what's even better than the test being over is that it's quick, it's dirty, and you can relax. you can live the life you wish you had for a comfortable (usually around a weekend's worth) amount of time. but with hsf tests, or at least this one so far, they have kindly given us 16 hours between the exam and the classes tomorrow morning--AFTER the marathon of exam administration. so, I've had 8 hours of freedom so far, and:

• 2 of those were wasted in a useless lecture that was not worth my time;
• 2 were spent seeing Juno;
  
• 1 was spent in traffic;
  
• 1.5 at APO;
  
• and the rest at an APO fellowship.
  

it was great. But. but this rigmarole of HSF I, exam 2 test material starts tomorrow at 8 AM. that stinks!

I feel old.

a fair world?

No, I don't think that this world is fair. In the end, there is a lot more injustice, greed, hatred, crime, and wickedness than love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control, etc.

A lot of the time, I haven't gotten what I deserved. I've gotten so much more--blessings upon blessings. I, as a human, deserve eternal damnation...I don't deserve a chance in this world. but, how overwhelmingly awe-some is it that God gives us blessings anyway? things like the gifts of knowledge and learning...things like a supportive family and a network of friends...things like happiness, joy, salvation...salvation is a big one, it's not something you can earn. I am so, so grateful. to me, this salvation so real, it's so palpable and tangible--I know it's there and I bank my very existence on it.

If I had more time, I would write more, but I don't, so I won't. Suffice to say that the argyle tally this week, not including argyle worn on clothing items such as socks, has skyrocketed. People are wearing argyle like the world might end tomorrow. I would say probably at least 20 or more individual incidents...if not a dozen more. boy, I saw it coming when j.crew launched their fall line.

I need a hobby. after I'm done studying for this first hsf test which I really should be studying for now.

and now.

more apple stuff

I'm in the market for a color laser printer. my dad gave me the go-ahead to look for printers, and suggested a certain dell printer. I wasn't very excited about it, even though I know dell laser printers are pretty good. What I did not relish was making the call to customer service to find out the compatibility of a macbook with a dell printer. This was probably common sense to everyone else in the world, but I didn't want to spend upwards of 300 dollars meaninglessly.

Dell Customer Service:
(4 minutes into the call, someone picks up)
Customer Service: (thick Indian accent) 'Ahlo, my name is Mahesh, but you can call me Macky. Thank you for calling Dell Customer Service.
[warning flags: the Indian accent, the scripted messages]
Me: Hi, I'm interested in finding out the compatibility of an apple computer with a dell laser printer.
CS "Macky": Hi, thank you for your patience. You are interested in Dell printer.
Me: I just need to find out if it would work with my Macbook.
CS "Macky": Please hold on 2 minute, please. Could you do that? I have number for you to call.
Me: What?
CS "Macky": Please hold. Thank you for your patience.
Me: [silent]
(8 minutes later)
CS "Macky": OK I have number for you to call. I will transfer you.
Me: [silent]
CS "Macky": OK I have number for you to call. I will transfer you. Please hold OK.
Me: OK.
(5 minutes later, 2 service reps later)
Customer Service #3: (American accent) Hello, Dell Customer Service.

...And they transferred me too. By the time I was on with Customer Service Rep #3, I had already found the answer online, while on hold with #3, and hung up.

not merely a novelty

I'll admit I can be a tool when it comes to apple products (not a complete tool, but for certain things- yes.), and the new macbook air is so beautiful. You screeam, another impassioned apple minion! It's not just apple though. I mean, I love tiny things. the newest ipod shuffle has been the best thing since running itself. this laptop is just beautiful. I'm very happy with my current one, and don't have money to splurge like that (gah) but I will still stare longingly at the display windows at the plaza apple, wistfully desiring all the new, cool gadgets in store.

below: my macbook that I love, love.

succinct

So, in less than a week, I've used up 4 gel pens (2 neons, 2 metallics) and 2 pilot g-2's. I think that sums up this first week of hsf.

answered prayer

i've not got a lot of time, but here's what-

answered prayer is so cool. so ever since I hit kc (2 weeks ago now) my car I drive (my 2000 white crown victoria- actually my dad's, but I drive it now) had a few things going on. firstly, I parked it in the umkc parking structure by oak street. I parked in a problematic spot: rust from the parking garage hit my car with precipitation, so basically I had rust and salt painted on its rear end. not cool. It was not pretty. I did a sloppy job mopping off the salt with a squeegee at QT, but the rusty coloring remained.
then, a few days later, the check engine soon light came on, and the engine didn't feel right. I just had this feeling that its engine was not running as smoothly as it used to. the short story is, I got its oil changed and got ripped off (according to himanshu) and spent a lot more money on it than I expected to, which I was a bit disappointed about...because some other stuff was due to be changed. Basically, I had no clue what needed to happen, and I felt like such a tool when I told them to do it...even though I knew they were probably telling me that I needed stuff I didn't. but I was in a pinch, and I didn't know what else to do.
sad thing was, even after that, the check engine light was still on. It was a really disappointing situation, and at this point I was resigned to losing that vestige of freedom for perhaps weeks while it was tinkered about at some dealership.

anyway, so today, as I was driving back from a very long study session, the check engine light failed to light up. And I revved the engine. it was juicing sweetly. my guess is that all that old oil had to run through the engine before the new stuff came in, but I know close to nothing about cars, but...yeah. that makes me really excited/happy/thankful. hip hip!

ooh, and I forgot to say. someone told me that if I rubbed a gasoline-soaked rag on the rusty-colored spots, it would go away--and it did!! :)

it is well

I am richly blessed to be here and doing what I love, with people I love, in a city that I am growing to love...God has so richly blessed this year. I'm so grateful for so much; if you knew how depraved I am as a human, how I have nothing on my own, but everything in Christ. Jesus is awesome.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

"I've made a huge mistake."

Like the title says, I think I may have made a small error in judgment when I sat down today and read an UMSLE step 1 prep book. My head hurts in a very strange, bad way. Ouch.

I don't think many people know this, but to me, I'm a very dramatic person, I've realized. I don't make drama for other people--I'm not talking about social drama; I am exponentially more sensitive to an experience when it happens to me.

Life

life is . I think back at year one and remember how naive I was, how much time I used to waste (I love wasting time). Naive about studying and medical school and how my life would be in the next few years...because I'm starting to realize exactly what it will be like. (well, kind of)

I'll probably think the same thing next year too. and the year after that. and that.
but I got the most fabulous thing in the mail today, I won this amazing ebay auction for this canary yellow dress. It was so dirt cheap I practically stole it. Except I didn't. and, it was a dress that I absolutely loved before but was way too expensive in the store and didn't want to drop that kind'a dolla. so that is incredibly exciting. wee hoo!

There is finally something that I want and need all at the same time: a color laser printer. color notes are like a catalyst for learning to me. and this ridiculous 150 page quota is nowhere near enough. so, I think I'll rally for it; hopefully for a birthday present? I would love studying so much more.

omg, hsf, headache, sleep? okay

hsf

so yesterday at around 0900 my countdown clock hit zero.

*waves goodbye to her life

kind of. but whatever. let's be dramatic!

kc

I didn't expect the weather to be so beautiful upon my arrival back here. but it has been so delightful. after I got back, I shared an incredibly spicy (oh, my mouth still burns) home cooked (by us) indian meal with a bunch of kcbt friends (we had indian night, complete with Lagaan, except we only made it through 1.5 hours of it). it was so fiery hot, I don't think I've ever willingly eaten something so hot. being brown, that should say a lot about how spicy it was. I think we put the entire curry packet in when we only should have put in a teaspoon or something. It wasn't something I would order from a restaurant, but it was fun to fellowship...and I'm sure we'll all be laughing about this later on.

it's good to be back; at the same time, it's surreal to be starting school again in a matter of hours. but I'm so excited for college group tomorrow; I'd really missed it while I was in stl.

nada

I have nothing profound to say, but that this week has left me extremely tired...and my countdown clock now says 5 hours or so. sad. I'm going to have to get a new countdown...for bee week! Yes! so that means...138 days, 4 hours...yikes. That's three figures. maybe something closer so despair doesn't tempt. spring break: 77 days. Yikeses.

I have so much packing to do, and I'm so worn out!! yikes.

grrrgle

the suddenness of it all is starting to hit me. my last day at work is tomorrow. I bought the train ticket. I'm probably going to start packing pretty soon. I've done all the things I set out to do. I know that once I'm back I'll immediately lose sight of all the restlessness I have here. I'm glad that I did what I set out to do, though. If I could do this break over, I wouldn't, I think. I'm ready.

but, I'm really not. I'm never ready. Life just comes when it does, and even though I was never ready for school to start again, it always did. I think what I dread most is probably how much colder it is there. Once everything warms up it'll be better.

I got a laptop battery for free, which was pretty exciting.